March 24, 2014

FEAR OF WRITING

Deep down in my brain there is a voice who tells me to write. And by writing I don't mean just writing whatever, because I do that every day. I write in my diary, I write to my friends, I write ideas and thoughts... What this tiny voice means is to Write. To tell stories that have been heard, to tell lives that have been dreamt, to explore the dark secrects of the mind, to cry out tears, to laugh out funny moments, to express the view on the world I see from my eyes. To play and direct all that drama in my head.

It's difficult to confront the blank page. It's much easier to do everything else but that. We do different things to distract ourselves. We make ourseves busy. We do this, we do that, we eat, we drink, we go around, we loose time. We don't want to hear what is calling us.

Because when you do your art, the one that is the most yours, it's like being naked in front of the people. And maybe it wouldn't even be so shameful if it were just other people. But when you are about to expose your true self in front of someone you really care about, like your family? What if it's completely out of their perception of you?

When I have a piece of paper and a pen, I write. This is what comes out naturally. I love to paint, but it's not my first impulse. I remember when I was eleven years old, I got my first diary. I treated it like it was sacred. It was a perfect tool to put out what I had in my mind and to remembered what really happened. I was always afraid that some day I won't be able to recognize what happened in reality and what in my head. From this need thousands of written pages have been born. My diary was my safe tree house.

When I was reading books I always said: one day I'll write one. I also started, many of them, but in the end I never finished one. Then you grow up and you suddenly see that the world is different than you expected. It's big and you can lose yourself very easy.

I started to crave for some directions. Where do I belong? Where am I going?

I started buying self help books and books about creativity, about art and life.

In the book of Neil Gaiman speech I read this: the moment you feel that you are exposing too much of your heart and your mind and what exist on the inside, showing too much of yourself: that's the moment you may be starting to get it right.


This is why so many artists are blocked. Because art is about revealing everything, exposing your weaknessess, your dark secrets, your fears and desires. With every word you strip off another piece until you are naked. We are covered by enormous amoutns of layers, masks, and we are frightened to death to go bare. Because we know that bare is vulnerable. Bare is bad, ugly, unknown even to ourselves, so we want to shut is up. Cover yourself, said God to Adam. Cover yourself, says Prada now. Be beautiful, be perfect. Do masterpieces, all other is a bunch of crap.


It's the courage you need, and some good friends that believe in you. To whom you matter. With whom you don't feel just like another number of people living in this earth. Friends that know why it hurts and that always will. Every day is a new battle versus our inner censor. 

This post just won today's battle versus it. It's finished. So will be my book, one day.





Do you deal with something similar? What are your tools to go until the end? Let me know in the comments below, thank you>!

2 comments:

Anita (Life.Style.Fun.) said...

Joj, jaz mam tebe tak rada! Kot da bi brala svojo zgodbo.

Sama ponavadi, ko se čisto razkrijem pred javnostjo in me je strah, da sem mogoče povedala preveč tega, kar se mi v resnici dogaja, ne samo uspehe ampak tudi poraze in strahove, stisnem na publish zato, ker nočem občutka, da sem porabila par ur za pisanje brezveze, hehe.
Pa ker me nekaj žene. Čeprav mi gre včasih na jok ob pisanju in me je strah, da se bom ljudem zdela bedna, mam vseeno občutek, da moram to delit z drugimi.
Ne vem čisto zakaj.
Ja, in potem ko napišem objavo se počutim dosti lažje, ker se s pisanjem čistim in urejam stvari v glavi, tako da imam morda potem pogum za publish.
Tako je pri blogu. Pri facebooku pa npr. nimam potrebe po nenehnem osveževanju statusa z mojim vsakodnevnostnimi in nekako do tega ohranjam distanco.

Andrea said...

<3 ponavadi so tisti teksti ki so najbolj razkrivajoči najlepši. Ti kar še naprej piši Anita, mi te zelo radi beremo. Hvala <3