January 22, 2014

SILVER LININGS OR HOW TO ACCEPT YOUR DARK SIDE

Few days ago I was speaking with my friend about blogging and she asked me when am I going to make some new posts on Drama in my head. I said that it's the name that doesn't inspire me anymore, maybe it should be something more happy, that maybe its melancholy scares people.
What she responded really surprised me: "just write, who the fuck even care about the name, just write, woman!"

Then I said, I will. I have been postponing writing for quite some time. There will occur some changes on the blog soon, but in the meantime, here I am. 

It's more than four years that Drama in my head exists. I got the idea for the blog's name one evening in bed when I was in France working as an au-pair. I think it reflected the spirit of that times. In the last few months I wanted to change a name, put something more playful because I didn't want anymore dramas. But today I learned something important, that I actually knew all the time: this dramas in my head will never go away. They are a part of me, always been and will always be. From the very beginning of the childhood I remember I saw things in a particular way.I tried or many years to be like the others but never quite succeed at that. I saw the world through my kind of sunglasses which were once pink and heart-shapped and once with the darkest black lens. When I came into my twenties I started to be more comfortable with myself.
I decided to accept both sides of me, the dark one and the glittery one. It's not easy to admit your weak points but I'm trying to embrace it fully, and be grateful even for that part of me who is not always shining. 

These dramas can be dynamic or static. Static are the bad ones, when everthing around you is just a big bad dark world and you can't find the light to go out. The dynamic ones are those when I LIVE, when I create, when I travel, when I put myself out there, when I go out of the comfort zone, when there is something happening. These are the good ones, but both dramas are important as I learned a month ago.

 I was having a meetng with therapist and I said to her that I'm afraid that I'm losing time. That I'm not productive all the time. That I can fell into a hole and don't move forward for a very long time. And this makes me really angry. And I feel like a loser. That I'm not _______ enough. 

After my monologue which she listened very patiently, she said: "But all the great artists did "lose time" . What you call losing time is not at all that, but it's a sometimes very painful or very pleasant processing time, when the ideas and creations were preparing inside you to be delivered out later. Think about it like a child's birth, the mother has to wait nine months before she gaves birth to a new creature. The same applies to masterpieces. So don't think that time is thrown away because it's not. Just try to make it more pleasant, because in every single moment we have a power to decide how we want to feel."

This was a kind of relevation and I felt much calmer. I try to remember that when the bad days come. It's not always easy. Sometimes all you need is a good cry, a shoulder to put your head on  and a hug. And when it's over, you stand up, say to yourself everything will work out and go forward. 
Because what else can we do? I'm just not giving up, not yet.   

                                                                        on the road Trento-Rovereto, december 2013


Laura, the portrait I made last week

 Paris, not so cold in january

1 comment:

Evelina said...

Že spet sem se našla v tvojem zapisu. Tudi meni se zdi, da sem obtičala in zato sem ti resnično hvaležna za zgoraj napisan odstavek... (: