February 27, 2013

IF I WERE SMOKING



Mocasina, Italy 26/2/2013


če bi kadila, bi se zdaj zaprla v sobo in prižigala cigareto za cigareto                   
prazni ljudje te iztrošijo                   
in za vse krivim mojo glavo                   
ker sem spet zlomljena                   
lahko bi šla na konec sveta in še vedno ne bi pobegnila pred sabo                   
zakaj ne moremo živeti več življenj                   
lahko bi samo poleteli iz enega življenja v drugo                   
kot letimo iz ljubljane v new york                   
najbolj depresivne so povratne vozovnice                   
nekoč bom kupila enosmerno                  
takrat bo kot v filmu                  
takrat bom plesala po mizah in poljubljala vse po vrsti                   
in znala bom plesati tango in imela sto ljubimcev                   
in ležala bom na plaži dokler se mi bo zljubilo                   
in ne bom končala faksa, nalašč                   
ampak bom ponoči slikala                   
ali pisala                   
o svojem novem življenju                   
in to staro  bo le še packa na moji bluzi                    

english ..........................................................................................................................................                  
      
if I were smoking, I'd close myself in the  room now and smoke cigarettes one by one                   
empty people discharge you                   
and it's all my head's fault                   
because I am broken again                   
 I could  go anywhere but I wouldn't hide from myself                   
why can't we live more lives                   
we could just fly from one life to another                   
like we fly from ljubljana to new york                   
the most depressive are return tickets                   
once I'll buy one-way                   
and it will be like in the movie                   
then I'll dance on the tables and kiss everyone                   
I'll know how to dance tango and I'll have hundreds of lovers                   
and I'll lay on the beach until I got bored                   
and I won't get a degree, on purpose                   
but I'll paint in the night                   
or write                   
about my new life                   
and the old one will be just a stain on my blouse                   
 
.................................................................................................................................                    


I found this poem today and I felt like posting it. It was written almost a year ago while I was doing my student exchange in Milan. 
Lots of things changed since that. I still don't smoke (I never did), I didn't bought the one-way ticket yet, I don't dance on the tables, I have just one lover and I'm kissing just him, I still don't know how to dance tango, I graduated and I didn't transfer to New York but to a small village in Italy with one restaurant and one shop (where I go to buy chewing gums instead of cigarettes).
I still do paint and I still do write, but mostly in the day time. 
I am still broken sometimes (it's my head's fault) and I still want many lives I know I'll never live.

 It is a hard time and almost every day I'm in war with myself. I don't know which way to choose and who I really am and what is my real purpose in this world. Which art to choose? How can I express myself the most? What is the best I can do? Which project should I stay on? Where should I be? Did I choose the right decision? I am swording with these questions every.f*cking.day. 


But. 
I still believe that there is hope. I feel like something is coming and I'll be waiting and searching for this redemptive factor of which talks Lester Bangs:


“I suspect almost every day that I’m living for nothing, I get depressed and I feel self-destructive and a lot of the time I don’t like myself. What’s more, the proximity of other humans often fills me with overwhelming anxiety, but I also feel that this precarious sentience is all we’ve got and, simplistic as it may seem, it’s a person’s duty to the potentials of his own soul to make the best of it. We’re all stuck on this often miserable earth where life is essentially tragic, but there are glints of beauty and bedrock joy that come shining through from time to precious time to remind anybody who cares to see that there is something higher and larger than ourselves. And I am not talking about your putrefying gods, I am talking about a sense of wonder about life itself and the feeling that there is some redemptive factor you must at least search for until you drop dead of natural causes.”



 So let's try and be patient and believe and do our best of our talents, and maybe one day there will be sun shining in our lives and we'll reach that feeling of enlightment while driving on the wide empty streets and not even know where we are going , but hoping to see an endless horizon of freedom and a sparkling sea which makes us absolute.

Mocasina, Italy 26/02/2013

self portrait, 27/02/2013

3 comments:

Evelina Donko said...

TUdi jaz ne kadim in to si tako dobro napisala, d abi se tudi jaz brezglavo pridružila. (:

Carissa Clark said...

Wow, really inspiring post. Thank you for sharing! <3

Č'taLnchaRka said...

Andreja, presenečaš tudi virtualno. ;)Se ustavim in berem...