April 24, 2012

NOT ONE OF THEM




After my decision of not studying fashion design anymore I got a lot of questions why am I doing this. Why? Why dropping out when you are talented and you could make a great career as a designer? And moreover, you are in Milan now, in the center of fashion, and you have so many opportunities to find a job there! Yes, I am in fashion capital, with all the chances to successfully find an internship or a job, what would be the right thing to do and then I realized I don’t want to play this game anymore.

I started asking myself why am I not taking any action soon after I figured out I’ll have a lot of free time at this university. A lot of people told me to find a job here, to start my career. I began to look for it but it every time I ended as: “eeeeh nothing interesting, there is nothing for me.” And I felt kind of frustrated, why am I not into it? I was always very engaging when it comes to work, why am I not taking any initiative now? Why somewhere deep inside me I felt like I am not following the right way?

I started to study fashion design because it was on my list of things I love.  I played this game for two years, convincing myself it is my dream job and the insecurities were just normal. I was sure my Erasmus exchange will just confirm this is what I would like to do all my life, inspire me to work but it didn’t. It got just worse. This semester I don’t even have the fashion design course and guess what- I don’t miss it at all. I used to look all the collections on style.com as soon they were launched, but it’s been a long time since I looked at them. Usually I check vogue.it  because of photography and art articles or for horoscopes. My passion for fashion faded. I was very confused what to do for my graduation project. The more my studies were about to finish, the more I didn’t know what to do.  It is expected for someone studying fashion design to do a collection, right? Why was I indecisive? It should be quite the opposite; I should be happy and enthusiastic about it. Now I know I was fooling my heart. This is not what I am meant to do in my life. This is someone else’s dream, not mine. I love clothes and shoes and dressing up, but I’ve always been more interested in people and stories than dresses. It’s people and stories and places that inspire me, clothes are just side-way on that. It’s nice to have beautiful things but they are not the meaning of life. At least not of mine.
 I am a person who feels and thinks too much and this reflects in all the aspects of my life. It’s not possible to put what you feel into a dress. It would be messy, somewhere ripped and all dark, somewhere glittery and sparkly with butterflies … And this is not the way the dresses should be like. They have to be perfect and the price for this is extremely high. You have to be able to see beyond yourself and people around you, as Miranda tells to Andrea in one of my favorite movies, The Devil wears Prada. Yes, you have to be able to cope with bullying, intriguing, hypocrisy, childish behavior, pretentious people with fake self-esteem of being half-gods … it’s like you’re in high school again and I hated high school.
Later Andrea asks Miranda: What if I don’t want to be like this? And Miranda replies: Don’t be silly, Andrea, everyone wants to be like us! and she escapes to into the sea of paparazzi with superficial smile on her face.  

It may be true. Everyone wants to be them. Everyone see fame, glory, glamour, events, shows, … But I am not everyone.  And I know what is behind the scenes. All that bitching, people letting you down, insecurities, constant stress, fear that someone will be better or will steal your idea, figuring out who really wants you good and who is going to put the knife in your back, working hours and hours and then got rejected for n-th time, … I could go and on. . There are too many bad sides of the fashion which I find not worth to fight. Not that I am weak or lazy person. I love working as long I am doing something I really love where I forget about time and where I can be myself and where I feel free. This may not be the easiest way to live, but freedom and happiness are two things money can’t buy.  

Andrea finally stopped being scared and finally throws that fashion mobile phone in the fountain and started to live her life as she wanted. She stopped waiting for things to come and be dependent on others. She knew this is going to be harder but it was the only possible way she could make it work. And this film I adore so much happens to be the best advice I ever got. Simply stop fearing and do it how you feel it’s the best for you. Everything will be fine in the end if you follow your heart.

April 22, 2012

RED CRIMES


April 15, 2012

THE CHAOS OF LIVING





I know, this is actually the opposite title of the previous post's. There have been some changes in my life. Quite big ones. These six months I've been spending in Italy as an Erasmus student taught me a lot, more than the last two years at my university. It wasn't about fashion design, au contraire. It was, and still is, about life.

I realized I don't want to study fashion design anymore.
I came here and expected rush, ambitious and creative atmosphere and sewing 24/7. The reality was the opposite. For the first time in two years I didn't know what to do with myself. I was depressed, I was expecting so much from this university! And they let me down by giving me so much time I didn't wanted. I was pampered by my university where we had so much work to do that we actually didn't have time to think anything else but it. I started to travel. Sometimes I checked for some job but I wasn't very into it so I quickly find other things to do, for example surfing the internet with no special goal, just to fulfill the time. I fall into an existential crisis as in the end of high school when I wasn't accepted in Drama school. I had all this time in this world and I was confused about myself; who I am and what I want to do and scared about time passing by.

Then I fall in love. It was the first time after six years that I've been in love. And this is an example how I work: or I feel nothing or I feel too much. It's kind of funny how few weeks before that happen I wrote in my diary how much I want to feel something, doesn't matter if it hurts me, just something, to get a confirmation that I'm alive. I spent some wonderful and inspiring time with that person and I'm glad about that, even if it didn't continue as I would like to. In the end everything happens with a reason. If I didn't feel that pain I've never felt before, I wouldn't start writing. And I wouldn't start thinking what am I actually doing in this world, what do I want to left behind me if I weren't broken.

At the moment I am reading Cesare Pavese's Il mestiere di vivere and I was affected by one sentence: »Non ci si uccide per una donna. Ci si uccide perché un amore, qualunque amore, ci rivela nella nostra nudita, miseria, inermita, nulla.«
It's a smart quote. I can relate to this. If you expose your heart to one person, you are the most fragile. And by experiencing this kind of love you can feel how empty, miserable, naked and hopeless life can be. So I came to the point of decision: now what? 

Pavese killed himself, but I fell in love again. I have an affair full of passion with my life. We're reading a lot, writing, painting, photographing, dreaming and still figuring it out. But we are together and we are having fun doing it. We have all the time in this world and we're going to make something big, and we're prepared to work hard, me and my life.

What about you? Can you remember the last time you take your life to a date? Somewhere, for a dinner or just for ice cream, or for a movie and you bought big popcorn just for yourself and for your life? And when was the last time you read to your life poetry in the bed wearing your sexiest slip and then listen to Mozart and have late breakfast in bed watching old italian movies? When was the last time you took your life to a weekend-off somewhere you always wanted to go, or to an art exhibition to full you with beauty and inspiration? When was the last time you let the life out to get wild? Do you ever get scared that your life will grow old and unhappy with no dreams realized while you were losing time checking facebook inbox fifty times a day? Life is waiting and it will not let you down as so many people did before. It will always be yours and will never go away. It would be stupid to leave it miserable, empty, don't you think? It's the only relationship that will last forever and you can be sure about that. Yes, it's time to l(o)ive.