April 15, 2012

THE CHAOS OF LIVING





I know, this is actually the opposite title of the previous post's. There have been some changes in my life. Quite big ones. These six months I've been spending in Italy as an Erasmus student taught me a lot, more than the last two years at my university. It wasn't about fashion design, au contraire. It was, and still is, about life.

I realized I don't want to study fashion design anymore.
I came here and expected rush, ambitious and creative atmosphere and sewing 24/7. The reality was the opposite. For the first time in two years I didn't know what to do with myself. I was depressed, I was expecting so much from this university! And they let me down by giving me so much time I didn't wanted. I was pampered by my university where we had so much work to do that we actually didn't have time to think anything else but it. I started to travel. Sometimes I checked for some job but I wasn't very into it so I quickly find other things to do, for example surfing the internet with no special goal, just to fulfill the time. I fall into an existential crisis as in the end of high school when I wasn't accepted in Drama school. I had all this time in this world and I was confused about myself; who I am and what I want to do and scared about time passing by.

Then I fall in love. It was the first time after six years that I've been in love. And this is an example how I work: or I feel nothing or I feel too much. It's kind of funny how few weeks before that happen I wrote in my diary how much I want to feel something, doesn't matter if it hurts me, just something, to get a confirmation that I'm alive. I spent some wonderful and inspiring time with that person and I'm glad about that, even if it didn't continue as I would like to. In the end everything happens with a reason. If I didn't feel that pain I've never felt before, I wouldn't start writing. And I wouldn't start thinking what am I actually doing in this world, what do I want to left behind me if I weren't broken.

At the moment I am reading Cesare Pavese's Il mestiere di vivere and I was affected by one sentence: »Non ci si uccide per una donna. Ci si uccide perché un amore, qualunque amore, ci rivela nella nostra nudita, miseria, inermita, nulla.«
It's a smart quote. I can relate to this. If you expose your heart to one person, you are the most fragile. And by experiencing this kind of love you can feel how empty, miserable, naked and hopeless life can be. So I came to the point of decision: now what? 

Pavese killed himself, but I fell in love again. I have an affair full of passion with my life. We're reading a lot, writing, painting, photographing, dreaming and still figuring it out. But we are together and we are having fun doing it. We have all the time in this world and we're going to make something big, and we're prepared to work hard, me and my life.

What about you? Can you remember the last time you take your life to a date? Somewhere, for a dinner or just for ice cream, or for a movie and you bought big popcorn just for yourself and for your life? And when was the last time you read to your life poetry in the bed wearing your sexiest slip and then listen to Mozart and have late breakfast in bed watching old italian movies? When was the last time you took your life to a weekend-off somewhere you always wanted to go, or to an art exhibition to full you with beauty and inspiration? When was the last time you let the life out to get wild? Do you ever get scared that your life will grow old and unhappy with no dreams realized while you were losing time checking facebook inbox fifty times a day? Life is waiting and it will not let you down as so many people did before. It will always be yours and will never go away. It would be stupid to leave it miserable, empty, don't you think? It's the only relationship that will last forever and you can be sure about that. Yes, it's time to l(o)ive.



4 comments:

duckalicious said...

lajf je res ena hecna stvar :) res je super met 'love affair' sam s sabo. tud men se neki takega dogaja in je res kul (in večkrat si rečem, "joj, kok dobr, da sem pustila službo") :D

duckalicious said...

3x "res" v enem komentarju, besedni zaklad ftw :D

Andrea said...

res sem vesela zate! in čim več uspehov z novo afero :) pa prav res si me nasmejala s temi resnimi resi :D

Evelina said...

Oh, kako dobra objava. Zmenki s samo s seboj so na mojem rednem seznamu že eno leto. Jaz zaradi tega (in še drugih zadev) nisem nadeljevala faxa, ker sem želela delat na sebi. Se posvetit sebi.. In po enem letu, lahko rečem, da nadaljujem s to afero. Ker je najboljša afera od vseh.