December 7, 2012

FACES OF RED

It's been a while since I wrote for the blog. I've been working on my diploma thesis which is finally done now, I'm just waiting for the presentation on the middle of December.

These two moths seemed an eternity, it was a period of hard work and dealing with procrastination, a period of splitted life in two countrIes, coming and leaving, a period of laughing and crying. There were and still are plans changing from day to night, scenarios of two restless souls who are at times confused of which direction to take.

Almost every day I pose myself a question if this is the right way, or which is the right way. There are so many lives I'll never live. Choosing one is the hardest decision ever for a person with splitted personalities.

But yet I continue. 

I'll keep searching for a redemptious peace in myself and with the world again and again and again for all my life. And I'll not give up. 

I want to gain my freedom no matter how much time it will take. 
And while on this journey, I'll enjoy the little moments of pure happiness which usually are the moments of love and blue sky full of dreams.



(following paintings are from my graduation project, named Faces of red, where I was researching portraits and red color)










 

October 5, 2012

NEW BEGINNINGS, NEW MEANINGS


I am always curious why people want to find a meaning, to understand abstract/contemporary art. But sometimes art doesn't want to be understood, sometimes art want to stay in mystery and let you think about the art work. Maybe artist wanted to provoke your mind, or maybe he/she expressed his/her deepest feelings.

when I paint, I follow my instincts. I choose colors as if one invisible line lead me to the right ones. I make lines spontaneously, I free myself completely, no toughts at all. no music, no sounds, it's just me and the blank canvas, screaming to fill it. joy, fear, love, passion, suffering, sadness, happiness, anger, it's all in the painting. sometimes my paintings are violent, strong, as I am not by nature, but this comes deeply from inside. it happens that you surprise yourself by letting yourself go in painting. 
there has always been a lot of red in my work. and I am curious about this obsession, it's amazing how one color can posess you. 



I'm finishing my university now, deciding to dedicate my life to art. It will be a hard way, but it's the only way.






12.9.2012

i would pay anything 
to make this pain go away
to free my body of suffering mind
to blow away the storm of sadness inside me
the tornado of toughts
bad bad toughts
i would rip myself apart
and dig deep deep into bones
scratching my heart until it bleeds
yell at it
punch it
you fucking heart
why are you doing this to me
why making things difficult
and heart will reply with bloody mouth
my love 
i'm letting out tears old ages
when there was too much pain 
and important was surviving
now i'm naked vulnerable and confused
of happiness we have and you want to scratch me
and bite me
and i'll expose myself to brutal world again
again again again
and you'll feel like you don't know me
but we are one
with pain and happiness
we always were




all artworks, photographs  and poem by me 

July 21, 2012

ENCAGED

(self portrait on the last day of my staying in Italy, Lago di Garda 2.30 am)

It's almost two weeks since I came back home after my nine month Erasmus exchange in Milan. Time has never been passing that slow.


I felt very anxious first ten days, being without appartment, without freedom I had in Milan, without person I love, without my international company.
Smaller place means more possibilities to see people which you don't want to see, to hear stories you don't want to hear, to do things you don't want to do.

Beautiful, prententious, jealous place
                                                                                                                                                                            
they ask
but they don't want to hear     
afraid of everything better     
afraid of changes     
afraid of dissappearing     

they don't know      
it's been years they are gone     

just some drugs, just some drugs
we're too cool 

their bodies stuck in a beautiful cage
while their minds in a dark winter woods
where word freedom doesn't exist 

it's been years since I stopped praying for them
i never felt home there. always a stranger. always outsider.
I'm leaving this place
I'm going away



(art gallery in Florence)
                                                                                                                                  
                                                            (self portrait)                                           


(Florence)


                                                                                            give me the lights
                                                                                            my love
                                                                                            and skyscrapers
                                                                                            and noise
                                                                                            laughs
                                                                                            and crys
                                                                                            adrenaline
                                                                                            give me the stories
                                                                                            and secret beaches
                                                                                            give me the feeling of being alive
                                                                                            take me to the most deserted  
                                                                                            or most crowded place
                                                                                            nothing inbetween
                                                                                            no compromises
                                                                                            it's the only way I can survive


 (Lago di Garda, Italy)

(near Lake Garda, july 2012, 1 AM)


call me crazy, call me egoist, call me bitch or however you want
I don't care because I'm free
and you are still in your cage


 (Garda Lake, Italy)

 (self portrait, one night in Milan)

(Florence, june 2012)



May 15, 2012

HOW TO LOSE A HEART



                                 that feeling of loneliness
                                 when you are in a crowd of people who love you
                                 why is it there
                                 they are illusions that we've made in our heads she said
                                 just illusions
                                 then everything is invented just in our minds?
                                 those great stories, just one-sided?
                                 why loving someone who will never be ours
                                 why building castles in the air when you have no cement but just curtains
                                 why it cannot be easy
                                 why enjoy torturing ourselves 
                                 how paradoxal, wanting freedom in a cage
                                 how great illusionists we are
                                 giving more than we have
                                 that much so we could disappear one day
                        
                                 but we are not call girls anymore
                                  

                                 …………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

                                hearts have very schizophrenic personality
                                one day they would die for someone
                                believing there is only one real love
                                they spend hours watching films on white walls
                                and the other day they are  coquettes
                                they dance on the streets at night
                                they know they are made to be loved by many
                                and love them all back
                                it’s easy to lose a heart like this
                                you may not even notice when
                                they just go and you can’t have them back
                                as you did when they still believe in prince charming









 sometimes being without internet makes you more creative


April 24, 2012

NOT ONE OF THEM




After my decision of not studying fashion design anymore I got a lot of questions why am I doing this. Why? Why dropping out when you are talented and you could make a great career as a designer? And moreover, you are in Milan now, in the center of fashion, and you have so many opportunities to find a job there! Yes, I am in fashion capital, with all the chances to successfully find an internship or a job, what would be the right thing to do and then I realized I don’t want to play this game anymore.

I started asking myself why am I not taking any action soon after I figured out I’ll have a lot of free time at this university. A lot of people told me to find a job here, to start my career. I began to look for it but it every time I ended as: “eeeeh nothing interesting, there is nothing for me.” And I felt kind of frustrated, why am I not into it? I was always very engaging when it comes to work, why am I not taking any initiative now? Why somewhere deep inside me I felt like I am not following the right way?

I started to study fashion design because it was on my list of things I love.  I played this game for two years, convincing myself it is my dream job and the insecurities were just normal. I was sure my Erasmus exchange will just confirm this is what I would like to do all my life, inspire me to work but it didn’t. It got just worse. This semester I don’t even have the fashion design course and guess what- I don’t miss it at all. I used to look all the collections on style.com as soon they were launched, but it’s been a long time since I looked at them. Usually I check vogue.it  because of photography and art articles or for horoscopes. My passion for fashion faded. I was very confused what to do for my graduation project. The more my studies were about to finish, the more I didn’t know what to do.  It is expected for someone studying fashion design to do a collection, right? Why was I indecisive? It should be quite the opposite; I should be happy and enthusiastic about it. Now I know I was fooling my heart. This is not what I am meant to do in my life. This is someone else’s dream, not mine. I love clothes and shoes and dressing up, but I’ve always been more interested in people and stories than dresses. It’s people and stories and places that inspire me, clothes are just side-way on that. It’s nice to have beautiful things but they are not the meaning of life. At least not of mine.
 I am a person who feels and thinks too much and this reflects in all the aspects of my life. It’s not possible to put what you feel into a dress. It would be messy, somewhere ripped and all dark, somewhere glittery and sparkly with butterflies … And this is not the way the dresses should be like. They have to be perfect and the price for this is extremely high. You have to be able to see beyond yourself and people around you, as Miranda tells to Andrea in one of my favorite movies, The Devil wears Prada. Yes, you have to be able to cope with bullying, intriguing, hypocrisy, childish behavior, pretentious people with fake self-esteem of being half-gods … it’s like you’re in high school again and I hated high school.
Later Andrea asks Miranda: What if I don’t want to be like this? And Miranda replies: Don’t be silly, Andrea, everyone wants to be like us! and she escapes to into the sea of paparazzi with superficial smile on her face.  

It may be true. Everyone wants to be them. Everyone see fame, glory, glamour, events, shows, … But I am not everyone.  And I know what is behind the scenes. All that bitching, people letting you down, insecurities, constant stress, fear that someone will be better or will steal your idea, figuring out who really wants you good and who is going to put the knife in your back, working hours and hours and then got rejected for n-th time, … I could go and on. . There are too many bad sides of the fashion which I find not worth to fight. Not that I am weak or lazy person. I love working as long I am doing something I really love where I forget about time and where I can be myself and where I feel free. This may not be the easiest way to live, but freedom and happiness are two things money can’t buy.  

Andrea finally stopped being scared and finally throws that fashion mobile phone in the fountain and started to live her life as she wanted. She stopped waiting for things to come and be dependent on others. She knew this is going to be harder but it was the only possible way she could make it work. And this film I adore so much happens to be the best advice I ever got. Simply stop fearing and do it how you feel it’s the best for you. Everything will be fine in the end if you follow your heart.

April 22, 2012

RED CRIMES


April 15, 2012

THE CHAOS OF LIVING





I know, this is actually the opposite title of the previous post's. There have been some changes in my life. Quite big ones. These six months I've been spending in Italy as an Erasmus student taught me a lot, more than the last two years at my university. It wasn't about fashion design, au contraire. It was, and still is, about life.

I realized I don't want to study fashion design anymore.
I came here and expected rush, ambitious and creative atmosphere and sewing 24/7. The reality was the opposite. For the first time in two years I didn't know what to do with myself. I was depressed, I was expecting so much from this university! And they let me down by giving me so much time I didn't wanted. I was pampered by my university where we had so much work to do that we actually didn't have time to think anything else but it. I started to travel. Sometimes I checked for some job but I wasn't very into it so I quickly find other things to do, for example surfing the internet with no special goal, just to fulfill the time. I fall into an existential crisis as in the end of high school when I wasn't accepted in Drama school. I had all this time in this world and I was confused about myself; who I am and what I want to do and scared about time passing by.

Then I fall in love. It was the first time after six years that I've been in love. And this is an example how I work: or I feel nothing or I feel too much. It's kind of funny how few weeks before that happen I wrote in my diary how much I want to feel something, doesn't matter if it hurts me, just something, to get a confirmation that I'm alive. I spent some wonderful and inspiring time with that person and I'm glad about that, even if it didn't continue as I would like to. In the end everything happens with a reason. If I didn't feel that pain I've never felt before, I wouldn't start writing. And I wouldn't start thinking what am I actually doing in this world, what do I want to left behind me if I weren't broken.

At the moment I am reading Cesare Pavese's Il mestiere di vivere and I was affected by one sentence: »Non ci si uccide per una donna. Ci si uccide perché un amore, qualunque amore, ci rivela nella nostra nudita, miseria, inermita, nulla.«
It's a smart quote. I can relate to this. If you expose your heart to one person, you are the most fragile. And by experiencing this kind of love you can feel how empty, miserable, naked and hopeless life can be. So I came to the point of decision: now what? 

Pavese killed himself, but I fell in love again. I have an affair full of passion with my life. We're reading a lot, writing, painting, photographing, dreaming and still figuring it out. But we are together and we are having fun doing it. We have all the time in this world and we're going to make something big, and we're prepared to work hard, me and my life.

What about you? Can you remember the last time you take your life to a date? Somewhere, for a dinner or just for ice cream, or for a movie and you bought big popcorn just for yourself and for your life? And when was the last time you read to your life poetry in the bed wearing your sexiest slip and then listen to Mozart and have late breakfast in bed watching old italian movies? When was the last time you took your life to a weekend-off somewhere you always wanted to go, or to an art exhibition to full you with beauty and inspiration? When was the last time you let the life out to get wild? Do you ever get scared that your life will grow old and unhappy with no dreams realized while you were losing time checking facebook inbox fifty times a day? Life is waiting and it will not let you down as so many people did before. It will always be yours and will never go away. It would be stupid to leave it miserable, empty, don't you think? It's the only relationship that will last forever and you can be sure about that. Yes, it's time to l(o)ive.



March 9, 2012

THE SERENITY OF DYING

                                                                                                           (source)


                    do you know how is it
                    when you're dying inside
                    how does it feel 
                    when everything is crushing down inside you
                    like enormous amount of white, beautiful porcelain plates 
                    and they are falling, 
                    falling,
                    crushing,
                    one by one,
                    those beautiful plates
                    those beautiful memories
 
                   ****************************************************************


                    have you ever felt like you cannot breathe? 
                    like a scene from a movie
                    like a beautiful girl who is drowning in a light blue water,
                    in a light blue pool
                    it's kind of funny how those hard and heavy things
                    then become so light, accompanied by sun rays
                   
                    what music do you hear when this happen?
                    I hear piano, Una mattina
                    or Sull'aria 
                    and my body is moving slowly,
                    it's floating and looks like everything is perfect

                    it's a bright, shiny, beautiful day
                    and I'm drowning in a crowd 
                    gasping for some air
                     
                    I hear the clock sound
                    tick tack tick tack
                    I always hated it
                    it shows you how your life is passing by
                    and you can't stop it
                    you can't smash that fucking clock
                    oh, shut up, stop, stop
                    
                    I'm losing myself
                    gasping for something that is probably gone
                    or never was there
                    that freedom with you
  

 

February 14, 2012

WHITE DARKNESS OF THE MIND

This is my latest project: sportswear. The inspiration for the collection was straitjacket.








February 7, 2012

TO GET LOST AND BE FOUND

   sometimes I just want to get lost                                                
somewhere, I don't even know the exact place                                                
somewhere at the beach and where I could swim naked                                                
in a turquoise sea                                                
which goes perfectly with my red hair                                                
and somewhere where is joy                                                
and happiness                                                
and where I would feel free                                                
as when I was five and we were at the beach in one island in croatia                                               
it was nice, white beach and we stayed there until dark                                                
and then we went to the city                                                
full of lights                                                
and we ate ice cream and we got baloons and we went to lunapark                                                
and I want to go somewhere where is carousel                                                
and stay there for all night long                                                
and I often ask myself why we don't have summer all the time                                                
to eat cherries and strawberries and dance under the sun                                                
and got that feeling of belonging somewhere                                                
because I believe I belong to the summer and the sea                                                
so I'm putting a flower in my hair and smile on my face                                                
and I'll be high on those memories of that perfect summer                                                
and will wait for another one to come                                                
as now I am waiting for you                                                


January 25, 2012

THE LAST PARTY IN MOMBELLO

          
       there was a place              
            so lonely, so dead              
            so i’m throwing a party              

            there will be baloons,             
            red baloons,             
            and the place will be              
            bright and shiny once again              

            for the last time              

                        I want to share with you my project for photography class:

                        the concept for the project is concerning abandoned places.
                        they always look so sad, lonely, wide. why not to make them lively once again?
                        old mental hospital in mombello was a place which desperately need some brightness inside it’s walls.
                        I made an installation with fifty red ballons in different rooms in the hospital and photographed it.
                        in the first pictures the instalation with baloons seems surreal, as it wouldn’t belong to the place,
                        as it would be an intruder.

                        but in the next ones we can see how the place is becoming more and more lively.             
                        baloons know how to party, they occupied armoirs, beds and corridors, but all good parties always end in the toilet. 
                        so did this time.