SHINE ON

This dress I made few weeks ago for a girl who's going to be testiomonial of her sister's wedding. Big thanks to my brother for the assistance at photoshooting.

She hated their family lunches. There were always too many people and everyone was shouting so you couldn't even hear what the person beside you is talking. So usually she pulled herself back and decided to act shy and give all her attention to the food on her plate. When the food was gone, she was playing with the knife and her mind was miles away.

-So you started a new job, I heard.

Pause.

-I heard you started a new job.

-Oh. Yes, I'm sorry, I was thinking something else. Yes, I do.

-And how do you like it so far?

-It's ok. It's what I wanted, a part time job that allows me to do my projects and to have some income for the everyday expenses. 

She was watching raw vegetables on the table which were put beside raw meat.

-Do you know in what conditions nowadays grew pigs?  They are in a small cage. That small so they can't move. They are in that cage since the beginning,  you know. They are born there and they will die there. They don't learn to walk, they will never even touch the ground. The only thing they know is food and their cage which sometimes becomes too tight so it starts to hurt. Sometimes they are sick or they got some disease, but it doesn't matter, they will be killed anyway. They piss on eachother and they shit on eachother because the cages are in levels, to use the place to the maximum and get more profit. And if you think the pigs are one of the most clever animals, but no one knows that, they are just pigs and they are made for eating, aren't they?

She smiled and looked up. No one said a word.

-Now if you excuse me, I have to go. She stood up and went upstairs.

Usually she was quiet and nice but sometimes she could be very cold and sharp as a knife. She never really cared about what others think of her, she actually liked the provocation. Once her friend said that we become what people think of us when we don't want to reveal our true self. Sometimes it seemed like she wanted people to hate her, but it was not like that. It was just inside her and it needed to explode. He said to her that she does that to provoke bad reaction from the people, so she can revenge than. She never wanted revenge, she just wanted to wake them up.

(I wrote that few days ago, it's a fiction)

MADE WITH LOVE

               

                                                                                                                                                                                                    




Last weekend was quite busy, I had to make two custom made dresses, but I have to say I really enjoyed it. The feeling when you do something for the customer and she's happy about it is worth much more than every A I got at the university. I prefer to work as a freelancer than to be employee of one big company, where everyone has his position and you can't participate in other projects. I like to do a project from the beginning until the end, with some small help but more or less by my own.

 First dress was for Klavdija, she wanted to have a summer dress in bold orange and I combined it with lace. We went to take some photos in the nearest field and they came out really nice. The next photoshooting I'll post soon!

I am a homeless soul

you are my home

cities are my home

oceans are my home

never ending search 

for places which make you feel alive

for people who carry stories 

that need to be written

I feel good in places with million souls

where I can hide in a crowd 

and reflect my toughts

through the eyes of strangers

and eat the passion 

from those in hurry for something better

those places smell of freedom

my favourite smell

PSYCHEDELIC BIRDS

"I have always been impressed by the birds. Their colors, their shape, how easily and elegantly they move...  it seems they are one with the air. But what I find the most intriguing about them is that they can fly. How amazing must be the feeling of being completely free, to be able to spread the wings and go wherever you want.   And every journey is an explosion of colors and shapes, that psychedelic feeling of freedom is what I envy them most."


I want to share with you series of my paintings "psychedelic birds" which was inaugurated last thursday in Salo', Italy. It was a nice evening and I'd like to thank everyone who came. 
And everyone who supported me when I was struggling with my existential problems. But in the end, I finished it. And this is what I am proud of.

Tavi wrote a great post on Rookie which reguards questions that continuously cross my mind.
Here is the paragraph that I read almost everyday to convince myself that I have something to give to the world and that there is a chance to find that peace in me which was never lost but just hidden in the hurricane of thoughts and too shy to compare with them. 


....But if you don’t convince yourself that there’s something you can take out of or contribute to the world each day, you’d just never get out of bed in the morning, and most people who have the luxury of seriously considering such stupid existential crises (meeeee) have no reason to feel weighed down by the potential damage that’s out there anyways.....


Have a great day.
 

THIS TOO SHALL PASS

I found this amazing quote that I find very useful in everyday life:

this too, shall pass.

when things are bad, remember: it won't be always this way. take one day at time. 
when things are good, remember: it won't be always this way. enjoy every moment.

Be grateful for everything you have. Try to make the best of yourself and give that to the world to make it a better place. The world needs your talents and skills, so why are you procrastinating?

Give the best of yourself and you'll get the best of the world.

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For my readers in Italy; you're kindly invited to my art exhibition on 4th April 2013 at 20.30 in Arci Salo', Vicolo Orti 1! 

UNIVERSITY CITY

I visited Padova and my friends who study there this week and here are some photos I took. Padova is a nice city full of students and I somehow missed being a student. University years were one of my favourite ever. I started to thinking seriously about doing a MA, (but it's hard to decide in what; art, video, photography, bussiness?).

I hated primary and high school and I didn't enjoy that much the first year when I studied Italian and French, but I did enjoy a lot my studies of Fashion design, also my Erasmus was great. Somehow I found group of people with whom I could connect. We are just a bunch of weirdos but we do know that we can count on eachother. I just love when we meet and we laugh so much on jokes which just we understand. 

This kind of connection with people is limitless. No distance can erase some precious moments spent with special people.  

They are with you in your pocket of the heart wherever you are.

 

OUT OF THE COMFORT ZONE

 "psychedelic birds" - new series of paintings I'm working on

First video by DIMH! Please don't be judgamental, it's the first one and it's a beginning of the new personal growth project friday flash that I decided to start. 

 Everyone has its own insecurities and fears. Everyone has its own doubts and pains. No one is perfect. This video is not perfect. It has grammar mistakes, pauses of searching the right word, it's shaky and blurred with a few moments of focus. It represents me as I am right now.

It may be not a good choice to put it on the internet when there are so many better of them. I could simply say to myself : "it's not good, so better wait Andreja, wait for the right time when you'll know more about how to shoot a video or when your english grammar will be better."

 But the problem is that there is never the right time. There is never the right place. 

Everything depends just on you and if you are corageous enough to face your own insecurities and expose yourself to the world as you are right now, imperfect, but willing to learn. 

And prepared to fail, again and again, and stand up and try again and again. 

You are here and now. Risk. Put yourself out there. Step out of the comfort zone. Be prepared to fight and stay strong. Commit to something you always wanted to do and do not quit. Insist.

I always wanted to shoot videos and write, and somewhere I have to start. Learning is a life-long process and it starts from zero. No one is perfect from the beginning. It took lots and lots of practice to master it. But you have to commit to do it regulary. No excuses.

  

I commit to do an inspirational video or post every friday. I'll try to do my best.

Now tell me,  what will be your action?

IF I WERE SMOKING

Mocasina, Italy 26/2/2013

če bi kadila, bi se zdaj zaprla v sobo in prižigala cigareto za cigareto                   

prazni ljudje te iztrošijo                   

in za vse krivim mojo glavo                   

ker sem spet zlomljena                   

lahko bi šla na konec sveta in še vedno ne bi pobegnila pred sabo                   

zakaj ne moremo živeti več življenj                   

lahko bi samo poleteli iz enega življenja v drugo                   

kot letimo iz ljubljane v new york                   

najbolj depresivne so povratne vozovnice                   

nekoč bom kupila enosmerno                  

takrat bo kot v filmu                  

takrat bom plesala po mizah in poljubljala vse po vrsti                   

in znala bom plesati tango in imela sto ljubimcev                   

in ležala bom na plaži dokler se mi bo zljubilo                   

in ne bom končala faksa, nalašč                   

ampak bom ponoči slikala                   

ali pisala                   

o svojem novem življenju                   

in to staro  bo le še packa na moji bluzi                    

english ..........................................................................................................................................                  
      

if I were smoking, I'd close myself in the  room now and smoke cigarettes one by one                   

empty people discharge you                   

and it's all my head's fault                   

because I am broken again                   

 I could  go anywhere but I wouldn't hide from myself                   

why can't we live more lives                   

we could just fly from one life to another                   

like we fly from ljubljana to new york                   

the most depressive are return tickets                   

once I'll buy one-way                   

and it will be like in the movie                   

then I'll dance on the tables and kiss everyone                   

I'll know how to dance tango and I'll have hundreds of lovers                   

and I'll lay on the beach until I got bored                   

and I won't get a degree, on purpose                   

but I'll paint in the night                   

or write                   

about my new life                   

and the old one will be just a stain on my blouse                   

 

.................................................................................................................................                    

I found this poem today and I felt like posting it. It was written almost a year ago while I was doing my student exchange in Milan. 

Lots of things changed since that. I still don't smoke (I never did), I didn't bought the one-way ticket yet, I don't dance on the tables, I have just one lover and I'm kissing just him, I still don't know how to dance tango, I graduated and I didn't transfer to New York but to a small village in Italy with one restaurant and one shop (where I go to buy chewing gums instead of cigarettes).

I still do paint and I still do write, but mostly in the day time. 

I am still broken sometimes (it's my head's fault) and I still want many lives I know I'll never live.

 It is a hard time and almost every day I'm in war with myself. I don't know which way to choose and who I really am and what is my real purpose in this world. Which art to choose? How can I express myself the most? What is the best I can do? Which project should I stay on? Where should I be? Did I choose the right decision? I am swording with these questions every.f*cking.day. 

But. 

I still believe that there is hope. I feel like something is coming and I'll be waiting and searching for this redemptive factor of which talks Lester Bangs:


“I suspect almost every day that I’m living for nothing, I get depressed and I feel self-destructive and a lot of the time I don’t like myself. What’s more, the proximity of other humans often fills me with overwhelming anxiety, but I also feel that this precarious sentience is all we’ve got and, simplistic as it may seem, it’s a person’s duty to the potentials of his own soul to make the best of it. We’re all stuck on this often miserable earth where life is essentially tragic, but there are glints of beauty and bedrock joy that come shining through from time to precious time to remind anybody who cares to see that there is something higher and larger than ourselves. And I am not talking about your putrefying gods, I am talking about a sense of wonder about life itself and the feeling that there is some redemptive factor you must at least search for until you drop dead of natural causes.”

 So let's try and be patient and believe and do our best of our talents, and maybe one day there will be sun shining in our lives and we'll reach that feeling of enlightment while driving on the wide empty streets and not even know where we are going , but hoping to see an endless horizon of freedom and a sparkling sea which makes us absolute.

Mocasina, Italy 26/02/2013

self portrait, 27/02/2013

LOOKING FOR FREEDOM

Freedom is a heavy thing. It is scary and it takes lots of courage, patience and some kind of madness to insist on it.

It's been two months since I graduated and almost every day I am struggling with the question of freedom. 

What freedom means to me? 

It is the way of living. I know I cannot imagine myself working somewhere I have to wait for orders and permissions, I'm tired of waiting and it makes me crazy when I do things that are a waste of time. Creating is about not losing time and making something good for the world and inspire others. It is about using your potentials to the fullest and be active and passionate about your work.  

It is the hardest way.

Life comes in another sphere after college. There is no one who gives you deadlines and projects to do, you are thrown into the sea and you have to learn how to swim.

Some people quickly find a boat and stay there forever because they are afraid of the beautiful but unpredictable sea. So they just watch it from the distance and they are satisfied with the boat life.  On the other hand  those who choose to try to learn how to swim are having difficulties in the beginning. But after some time and many attempts they succeed and they are able to float on the infinite horizon of the ocean. I guess this in the end is worth all the hard work.

Which way will you choose?

Pisenze, Italy, January 2013

 Desenzano del Garda, Italy, January 2013

MY EYES ARE EXPLODING OCEAN

self portrait 22/1/2013

my eyes are exploding ocean           

while screaming in wineyards           

running to be faster than pain           

running to convince the eyes           

it is all just a joke           

it is all going to end           

three men haunted me in dreams           

and one wanted to kill me           

 I woke up scared           

 as when they have to take my blood           

but you don't know that feeling           

ears fulfilled by the white noise           

darkness posess your eyes           

il corpo e morto           

and for a moment           

it feels like the death has come           

and then they lift you back           

miss miss drink the water breathe breathe           

and you're back           

ashamed of your weakness           

but you don't know           

                 there is something devilish inside me that I am afraid of           

you told me that last time I was different           

I don't know who I am           

I never did           

  

sometimes we are more alone when we are together           

.........................................................................................................................................................      

can you love me with all my runaways           

can you           

can you say that i am normal           

when I know I am not           

I am not